6 posts tagged “john mccain”
By John McCain:
You know the drill by now. I say funny things, you laugh; we all educate ourselves on the political bitch-ass-ness of the United States. Let's begin.
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8:32PM: They’re saying on CNN that Obama now has enough votes to clinch the nomination if states swing as they’ve been trending – even if McCain wins all of the swing states (even though some still have Obama leading). It’s so scary for me because I keep saying “NO DON’T SAY IT, YOU’LL JINX IT!”
I am SO unbiased. I should work for CNN. I know.
8:51PM: I think I don’t like Soledad O’Brien. I think I might find her super annoying. She also furrows her brow an AWFUL lot. Girl’s gonna need some botox WAY before her time.
8:54PM: I’m sorry, but if you don’t know who the FUCK you’re voting for by now; you’re an idiot. And if the BIGGEST issue you’re hinging your vote on is “who will bring respectability to the United State,” then you’ve really got to reprioritize some shit in your head. Also, to the girl who said she wants to know if she’ll have a job when she graduates – the answer is NO! Just sayin’.
8:56PM: Tonight is special; I bought some FroYo…haaay gurl haaay!
9:00PM: it’s SHOWTIME, Y’ALL! Shout out to my boo, Wolf Blitzer.
9:03PM: How is it that McCain can shake Obama’s hand, and sit (SIT!) across from him and STILL NOT LOOK HIM IN THE EYE?
9:07PM: Still bitter the Ohio voters get to have all the fun.
9:08PM: Is Joe the Plumber…JOE SIXPACK? OMG, we’ve found Joe Sixpack and he totes lives in Ohio. FIGURES! Damn swing states get it ALL!
9:13PM: Again, listen…McCain…this whole “cut the business’ taxes” doesn’t WORK…trickle down theory DOESN’T WORK. Sorry bye.
9:14PM: Oh, and P.S. …wipe that damn smug-ass crony-maverick smile off your face, McCain.
9:16PM: I like that Obama is able to say what everyone needs to hear: after this recession and financial crisis is over—we CAN’T go back to the way things were. It’ll be a new era for America, and we need to get smart.
9:21PM: Jobs, economy, tax cuts, energy independence, maverick, maverick, earmarks. Vomit.
9:25PM: Aww sheeeeeeeeeet, Bob Schieffer totally just called them out to talk about the shit they’re talking about each other. Of course, McCain is not doing what Schieffer asked—talking about what THEY said rather than the others—but being a crybaby.
9:30PM: McCain, can you also mention the fact that he’s spending so much money because HE HAS OVER 1 MILLION SUPPORTERS AND DONATORS TO THIS CAMPAIGN? More than ANYONE EVER? Suck on that, elderstick!
9:34PM: I’m going to sit and eat my froyo. Call me when this gets more interesting and less 13-year-old-girl He-Said/She-Said.
9:36PM: Do you think that Joe Sixpack is totes jeal of Joe the Plumber?
9:42PM: http://www.joetheplumber.com/ um…this dude is SO getting a million hits on his website tonight. OH ALSO, GUYZ…he’s from Texas not Ohio!
9:43PM: I’m sorry. I almost just choked on my froyo…PALIN A ROLE MODEL FOR WOMEN?
9:47PM:
Oh, I'm sorry...were you talking political candidates? I just forgot to pay attention to this remake of Mean Girls that you're apparently reenacting.
9:51PM: NO! OFFSHORE DRILLING WON’T FIX SHIT. WE WON’T SEE A DROP OF IT FOR 5 YEARS. YOU ARE JUST KIDDING MCCAIN!
9:53PM: Dear McCain, Sarah Palin is a joke. Stop this, really. Her oil WILL NOT HELP US and will RUIN ECOSYSTEMS. Ever hear of the Circle of Life? The Butterfly Effect? THEY’RE REAL. Love, Alicia
p.s. Why don’t you put some lipstick on THAT, Palin? Oh, and maybe save some for your CHILDBRIDE daughter for her quickie wedding to her premarital babydaddy.
9:58PM: The drop that happens the second McCain starts talking (on the CNN Uncommitted Ohio Voters graph) is absolutely hilarious and looks like it’s straight out of an SNL skit. P.S. McCain…we already have health and gym classes in America? Did they not have that when you went to school is the prehistoric ages? Maybe that’s because running away from dinosaurs was considered adequate physical activity.
10:00PM: SHOUTOUT TO JOE!
10:03PM: JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE, CONGRATS! Joe, You’re RICH!
10:07PM: MCCAIN YOU DON’T HAVE A VAGINA SO STOP TELLING ME HOW I CAN USE MINE.
10:12PM: It’s not Pro-Abortion (hooray! Abortions abound! Abobo’s for everyone!) it’s Pro-CHOICE. I can’t with the hatemongering. Really.
10:16PM: I’m SO GLAD that we’re just now, 14 minutes before we end ALL of the debates for this presidential race, about education. Sweet. I’m glad our priorities are hatemongering and the JOES OF AMERICA. UNITE! And then go to college.
10:18PM: OHIO IS JUST LOVIN’ IT. But um…Education is the “civil rights issue” of the century? I would beg to differ a little bit...how about ALL THE OTHER civil rights issues?! I think they’re all sooooorta important.
10:20PM: Student loans aren’t about the “availability” it’s about…um…affording them and not being raped by these companies and paying twice what you’re supposed to thanks to interest rates.
10:24PM: Anyone else wishing they would just say ‘fuck it all’, turn over the table, and just battle it out?
10:25PM: Stop talking about Sarah Palin’s "autistic" baby just for a fucking sympathy vote! FIRST OF ALL, it's Downs and SECOND of all THEY'RE NOT THE SAME. Bitch has an special needs child, this clearly makes her a PERFECT VP candidate. And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge I’d love to sell you in Alaska.
10:28PM: Did McCain just…SNORT?
10:30PM: This has been going on for 20 months? Um, 19 months too long, p.s.
10:31PM: Go vote now, it’ll make you feel big and strong. Love Momma Schieffer.
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
Or, was it just a sign of McCain's early-onset Alzheimer's?
Or...is this just what mavericks do? Are they--perhaps--so mavericky that they don't even need to call people by their names? Is that why you also refuse to look Barack Obama in the eyes, McMaverick?
I'm doing this one solo, kidz. No friends, no pictures (well, maybe pictures) and no Palin jokes! Well, that might turn out to be a lie, too. Who knows.
(Ed Note: I realize that I lied about everything. There were friends, pictures, and even a Palin joke. I'm sorry, I'm a terrible person.)
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8:50PM: I just had a delightful dinner of mini-quiche and some herb-roasted chicken. I'm getting my Ovaltine ready because I'm feeling wholesome.
9:01PM: SO excited that Tom Brokaw is moderating tonight. I just like listening to him talk. Brokaw for PRESIDENT!
9:05PM: So far Barack is making this sound a bit too much like his stump speech at first. I got nervous. I also thought he'd be dressed a bit more casually (read: sans jacket). He's starting to do his step-by-step plan though which is good. He also BROKE THE RULES by going farther than 3 feet away from his chair. WHO'S THE MAVERICK NOW, MCCAIN?!
9:09PM: Just received the following text from Mariel (I'm sure you remember her; especially you 14 year old boys):
"Is McCain wearing an earpiece?" Followed by "wait no, I think that's just a wrinkle."
9:11PM: Love Brokaw laying down the law. OWN IT, Brokie! Especially after McCain denying you that job; hah!
9:12PM: Why do the Ohio Uncommitted voters get to have all the fun with this damned ticker?! I wish they would let me have a say! Also, I'm not the only one distracted by that damned thing!
See below:
Valerie: the uncommitted ohio voters are driving me nutz; the ticker is distracting me.
9:15PM: Barack Obama finally realized what we've all been saying all along "but you're not interested in hearing politicians pointing fingers, you're interested in hearing how this is going to affect you." Thanks, BB Obama!
9:17PM: Cronie is the new Maverick. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
9:21PM: McCain keeps blathering on about the same shit we've all heard before. We know about how he's "crossed party lines." But um, looking towards "Watch Dog" organizations isn't going to HELP US. WHAT are you talking about?
9:26PM: Dear John McCain, Mariel wants you to know that you're not her friend. Maybe this is because you don't look like James Franco, Nick Jonas, or some other well-to-do 16 year old, but it also might just be because you keep asserting the fact that we are apparently friends.
9:30PM: We might not be rifleshots, but your veep is, McCain! ZING!
9:31PM: A SIGN OF SUCCESS: BARACK OBAMA IS DOING THE CLINTON THUMB-POINT. Example:
IT HAPPENED.
9:33PM: SAD STORY OF THE NIGHT: John McCain is left-handed. So am I. Super Sad Similarities! :(
9:37PM: McCain's health plan = worst idea ever. A health plan voucher?
9:38PM: McCain: Your attacks on Obama saying he's going to raise taxes just isn't even real. Stop beating this horse; the corpse is half in the grave and it stinks.
9:43PM: Notes from the internet:
9:46PM: There is an agreement. Prior to, McCain smirked (and continues to smirk) like the creepy, dirty old man I've always known he is. I bet he wishes he was smacking Cindy McCain's $300,000-clothed ass right now. ew.
9:48PM: TOM BROKAW JUST PUT ON HIS SASSPANTS EVERYBODY! WHAT A SASQUATCH. TOTES SASSAFRAS.
sassypants.
9:52PM: I finally figured out what lights Tommy boy was talking about--it's like playing Red Light, Green Light! But with politics! Woops. It's ok boyz, I would've missed that shit, too. p.s. THAT ONE!
9:54PM: I don't understand this Maverick Math about health credits and vouchers and shit. WHERE'S MY CRONIE MATH?!
9:57PM: I'm just going to say it. Obama is absolutely schooling McCain. Even this silly uncommitted Ohio voters agree. That means I MUST be right!
10:00PM: Cronie, cronie, cronie; my friends, my friends, my friends. This all couldn't sound more disingenuous yabba dabba dooo!
10:04PM: I am so sick and tired of hearing the same stuff over and over again. Also, I wish I had been playing a drinking game; My friends would totally be on that list of words. And I would be running around with my bra on my head screaming "my friends" in various accents. In a Drew-University-related quip: shout out to everyone's favorite user of the phrase "My Friends!" Don't let McCain steal your thunder!
10:11PM: McCain, if you heart Teddy Roosevelt so much, get his famous quote right on national television. Just sayin'.
10:13PM: A DAY I'D NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE: my brother (lovingly known as E-Money) just came upstairs and told me he was watching the debate (well, he said "this bullshit." he's so eloquent. you'd never know I was the only English major in the family.) and I really am at a loss for words. I never thought I'd see the day where my brother would watch a presidential debate or care about politics. That's when you know it's SURRIOUS.
10:19PM: UM, ARE Iraqis living "normal" lives, McCain? Is that what this is?
10:22PM: I can't with this Second Cold War talk. Are Russians really this cray?
10:24PM: UM MAYBE Russia is an evil empire? Really? Are they also are cartoon? Are they run by Pinky and the Brain?
10:26PM: Handshake. WHAT A MAVERICK!
10:27PM: THIRD TIME someone mentioned a SECOND HOLOCAUST. McCain x2, Palin x1. Are we surprised? I just love fearmongering. And scare tactics. Is this some sort of subliminal message? Is the Second Holocaust the new Iraq for these mavericky Republican'ts?
10:30PM: Of course the question "what don't you know and how will you learn it?" come from some hippie in New Hampshire.
10:31PM: Obama just said scrimpin'. His grandma was scrimpin' y'all! He's a man of the PEOPLE. Do we think that was a tactic, or a strategy? McCain; thoughts?
10:34PM: McCain said he doesn't know the future. Deep, McCain. Deep. And apparently we're going to help save parts of the world that "some Americans" don't even know on a map. AND OF COURSE, another reference to being a POW. Great final wordz, McCain.
Also, I like that McCain basically said that all he doesn't know is the future. Hey, Johnny, I have some suggestions of other things you might not know:
-The Economy
-The middle class struggle
-How many houses he owns
Also, way to mess up Tommy boy's script, boyz. Now GO SHAKE SOME AMURRICAN HANDS!
Aaaaaaand we're done-zo.
Things over in HQ have been a bit busy as of late, hence the lack of updates. There also seems to be a serious lack of funny going on in the world--not sure why.
In any event, I will be back LIVE for the debates tonight, 9PM. Town-hall style. I'm calling Obama going semi-cas, sleeves rolled-up, super-symbolic style. Beat 'em at his own game, B-ROCK, bb!
Until then, adieu.
So as I saddled myself up for this debate-to-end-all-debates, I prepared myself with a few essentials:
& a...
[meet the complicado, the hove, the no-regaard, katie.]
This, I assure you, will make this a night to remember.
Made by ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
schmiss of ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
ontd_political.
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8:52PM:
I'm feeling the pressure to perform at my funny-peak. But also be intelligent. Not sure if I've counteracted that with the dancing politicos above...woops. My sidekick, Katie (who will be from this point on known as KO. I am tempted to nickname her TKO because I love a good pun.)
9:02PM:
I had no idea there were so many rules. The moderator looks like my old college counselor.
ME: i'm so excited, i'm so scared! i'm such a human caffeine pill.
TKO: MAKE SOME NOIIIISE!
9:05PM:
9:10PM:
I just noticed there is an audience reaction toolbar on the bottom of my screen. Thank you, CNN, this will definitely distract me from what is actually being said in the debates. I have the attention span of a flea.
9:12PM:
9:15PM:
The moderator is actually wearing MORE makeup than McCain. Didn't know that was possible. DIVA!
9:22PM:
(TKO has been on pause while she puts on her "business pants" as opposed to her "party pants.")
ME: Did you know that people watching this in HD get to have CHARTS on the side of the screen with the CNN personalities own reactions
9:25PM:
So far, things have been pretty tame. McCain totally just messed up the rules when they weren't allowed to talk anymore on a certain question. I'm waiting for them to start yelling at each other...or Jell-o wrestle. Well, maybe just kidding on the wrestling. It'd totally mess up their makeup. And no one likes their politicians ugly.
9:34PM: BREAKING NEWS!
I spilled my Gin & Tonic. :[ I realize that this is a sure-fire sign that: a.) I need to slow it down with the imbibing should I want to be coherent while typing, and b.) this is just the same stuff being said over and over again. C'mon boyz, this is the BIG LEAGUES NOW.
I also hope my mother never reads this blog. She would be mortified to know I am Drinking & Blogging at the same time.
9:38PM: McCain WASN'T VOTED MISS CONGENIALITY, YOU GUYZ. MESSAGE OF THE DEBATE.
9:47PM: My head is spinning. WHAT is the difference between a strategy or a tactic? Also, McCain...since when was the war about American Freedom? I still don't know what we're "winning" in Iraq.
TKO: enemies.
9:58PM:
McCain's tie looks like a candy cane.
10:05PM:
Second Holocaust? TOO SOON MCCAIN, TOO SOON
10:10PM:
Did anyone else just see that?! I think Obama finally GREW a pair during this debate. I love him (obvious much?) but he's taking this a bit too laying down given how douche-baggy McCain is being. LOW BLOWS AREN'T CUTE, JOHNNY BOY!
Also, can someone blot his T-Zone? He's shining through the make-up, and that I just didn't think was possible with all that shit caked on his face.
10:24PM:
Shout out to my ONE reader, KO's MOM! This rules. I would add something intelligent or witty, but really, all I hear is that "teacher" voice from the Peanuts right now between the two of them.
10:27PM:
I just have to say, McCain...as a girl from Connecticut, you really cannot count working with Joe Lieberman as "crossing party lines"--we all know a wolf in sheep's clothing when we see it. And I don't mean Wolf Blitzer--he is like a human-sheep hybrid. So cuddly and cute. But, um...Joe Lieberman...iiiiiis a republican. Maybe just a Republican't. But he's RIGHT THERE.
10:36PM:
TKO: like national treasure? the secret messages hidden in the bill of rights or whatever? nicholas cage? ARE YOU OUT THERE? oh sorry , i guess it's the declaration of independence. whatever
10:37PM:
McCain got the last word. That is irritating. And of course it was a nod to the HANOI HILTON. Way to play into the obvious.
Oh, and I think the real winner in this debate was Michelle Obama and her dress. WAY TO BE FIERCE, FASHIONISTA FIRST LAY-DAY!
Aaaaaaand I'm spent.
