5 posts tagged “debate”

You know the drill by now.  I say funny things, you laugh; we all educate ourselves on the political bitch-ass-ness of the United States.  Let's begin.

---

8:32PM: They’re saying on CNN that Obama now has enough votes to clinch the nomination if states swing as they’ve been trending – even if McCain wins all of the swing states (even though some still have Obama leading).  It’s so scary for me because I keep saying “NO DON’T SAY IT, YOU’LL JINX IT!”

I am SO unbiased.  I should work for CNN.  I know.

8:51PM: I think I don’t like Soledad O’Brien.  I think I might find her super annoying.  She also furrows her brow an AWFUL lot.  Girl’s gonna need some botox WAY before her time.

8:54PM: I’m sorry, but if you don’t know who the FUCK you’re voting for by now; you’re an idiot.  And if the BIGGEST issue you’re hinging your vote on is “who will bring respectability to the United State,” then you’ve really got to reprioritize some shit in your head.  Also, to the girl who said she wants to know if she’ll have a job when she graduates – the answer is NO!  Just sayin’.

8:56PM: Tonight is special; I bought some FroYo…haaay gurl haaay!

9:00PM: it’s SHOWTIME, Y’ALL!  Shout out to my boo, Wolf Blitzer.

9:03PM:  How is it that McCain can shake Obama’s hand, and sit (SIT!) across from him and STILL NOT LOOK HIM IN THE EYE?

9:07PM: Still bitter the Ohio voters get to have all the fun.

9:08PM: Is Joe the Plumber…JOE SIXPACK?  OMG, we’ve found Joe Sixpack and he totes lives in Ohio.  FIGURES!  Damn swing states get it ALL!

9:13PM: Again, listen…McCain…this whole “cut the business’ taxes” doesn’t WORK…trickle down theory DOESN’T WORK.  Sorry bye.

9:14PM: Oh, and P.S. …wipe that damn smug-ass crony-maverick smile off your face, McCain.

9:16PM: I like that Obama is able to say what everyone needs to hear: after this recession and financial crisis is over—we CAN’T go back to the way things were.  It’ll be a new era for America, and we need to get smart.

9:21PM: Jobs, economy, tax cuts, energy independence, maverick, maverick, earmarks.  Vomit.

9:25PM: Aww sheeeeeeeeeet, Bob Schieffer totally just called them out to talk about the shit they’re talking about each other.  Of course, McCain is not doing what Schieffer asked—talking about what THEY said rather than the others—but being a crybaby.

9:30PM: McCain, can you also mention the fact that he’s spending so much money because HE HAS OVER 1 MILLION SUPPORTERS AND DONATORS TO THIS CAMPAIGN?  More than ANYONE EVER?  Suck on that, elderstick!

9:34PM: I’m going to sit and eat my froyo.  Call me when this gets more interesting and less 13-year-old-girl He-Said/She-Said.

9:36PM: Do you think that Joe Sixpack is totes jeal of Joe the Plumber?

9:42PM: http://www.joetheplumber.com/ um…this dude is SO getting a million hits on his website tonight.  OH ALSO, GUYZ…he’s from Texas not Ohio!

9:43PM: I’m sorry. I almost just choked on my froyo…PALIN A ROLE MODEL FOR WOMEN?

9:47PM:

Oh, I'm sorry...were you talking political candidates?  I just forgot to pay attention to this remake of Mean Girls that you're apparently reenacting.

9:51PM: NO!  OFFSHORE DRILLING WON’T FIX SHIT.  WE WON’T SEE A DROP OF IT FOR 5 YEARS.  YOU ARE JUST KIDDING MCCAIN!

9:53PM: Dear McCain, Sarah Palin is a joke.  Stop this, really.  Her oil WILL NOT HELP US and will RUIN ECOSYSTEMS.  Ever hear of the Circle of Life?  The Butterfly Effect?  THEY’RE REAL.  Love, Alicia

p.s. Why don’t you put some lipstick on THAT, Palin?  Oh, and maybe save some for your CHILDBRIDE daughter for her quickie wedding to her premarital babydaddy.

9:58PM: The drop that happens the second McCain starts talking (on the CNN Uncommitted Ohio Voters graph) is absolutely hilarious and looks like it’s straight out of an SNL skit.  P.S. McCain…we already have health and gym classes in America?  Did they not have that when you went to school is the prehistoric ages?  Maybe that’s because running away from dinosaurs was considered adequate physical activity.

10:00PM: SHOUTOUT TO JOE!

10:03PM: JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE, CONGRATS!  Joe, You’re RICH!

10:07PM: MCCAIN YOU DON’T HAVE A VAGINA SO STOP TELLING ME HOW I CAN USE MINE.

10:12PM: It’s not Pro-Abortion (hooray!  Abortions abound!  Abobo’s for everyone!) it’s Pro-CHOICE.  I can’t with the hatemongering.  Really.

10:16PM: I’m SO GLAD that we’re just now, 14 minutes before we end ALL of the debates for this presidential race, about education.  Sweet.  I’m glad our priorities are hatemongering and the JOES OF AMERICA.  UNITE!  And then go to college.

10:18PM: OHIO IS JUST LOVIN’ IT.  But um…Education is the “civil rights issue” of the century?  I would beg to differ a little bit...how about ALL THE OTHER civil rights issues?!  I think they’re all sooooorta important.

10:20PM: Student loans aren’t about the “availability” it’s about…um…affording them and not being raped by these companies and paying twice what you’re supposed to thanks to interest rates.

10:24PM: Anyone else wishing they would just say ‘fuck it all’, turn over the table, and just battle it out?

10:25PM: Stop talking about Sarah Palin’s "autistic" baby just for a fucking sympathy vote!  FIRST OF ALL, it's Downs and SECOND of all THEY'RE NOT THE SAME.  Bitch has an special needs child, this clearly makes her a PERFECT VP candidate.  And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge I’d love to sell you in Alaska.

10:28PM: Did McCain just…SNORT?

10:30PM: This has been going on for 20 months?  Um, 19 months too long, p.s.

10:31PM: Go vote now, it’ll make you feel big and strong.  Love Momma Schieffer.

THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

ONE MORE TIME FOR THE CHEAP SEATS IN THE BACK.

I'm waiting to be blown away, guyz.  Just Sayin'.

I'm doing this one solo, kidz.  No friends, no pictures (well, maybe pictures) and no Palin jokes!  Well, that might turn out to be a lie, too.  Who knows. 
(Ed Note: I realize that I lied about everything.  There were friends, pictures, and even a Palin joke.  I'm sorry, I'm a terrible person.)
---

8:50PM: I just had a delightful dinner of mini-quiche and some herb-roasted chicken.  I'm getting my Ovaltine ready because I'm feeling wholesome.

9:01PM: SO excited that Tom Brokaw is moderating tonight.  I just like listening to him talk.  Brokaw for PRESIDENT!

9:05PM: So far Barack is making this sound a bit too much like his stump speech at first.  I got nervous.  I also thought he'd be dressed a bit more casually (read: sans jacket).  He's starting to do his step-by-step plan though which is good.  He also BROKE THE RULES by going farther than 3 feet away from his chair.  WHO'S THE MAVERICK NOW, MCCAIN?!

9:09PM: Just received the following text from Mariel (I'm sure you remember her; especially you 14 year old boys):
"Is McCain wearing an earpiece?"  Followed by "wait no, I think that's just a wrinkle."

9:11PM: Love Brokaw laying down the law.  OWN IT, Brokie!  Especially after McCain denying you that job; hah!

9:12PM: Why do the Ohio Uncommitted voters get to have all the fun with this damned ticker?!  I wish they would let me have a say!  Also, I'm not the only one distracted by that damned thing!
See below:
Valerie: the uncommitted ohio voters are driving me nutz; the ticker is distracting me.

9:15PM:  Barack Obama finally realized what we've all been saying all along "but you're not interested in hearing politicians pointing fingers, you're interested in hearing how this is going to affect you."  Thanks, BB Obama!

9:17PM: Cronie is the new Maverick.  YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
 

9:21PM: McCain keeps blathering on about the same shit we've all heard before.  We know about how he's "crossed party lines."  But um, looking towards "Watch Dog" organizations isn't going to HELP US.  WHAT are you talking about?

9:26PM: Dear John McCain, Mariel wants you to know that you're not her friend.  Maybe this is because you don't look like James Franco, Nick Jonas, or some other well-to-do 16 year old, but it also might just be because you keep asserting the fact that we are apparently friends.

9:30PM: We might not be rifleshots, but your veep is, McCain!  ZING!

9:31PM: A SIGN OF SUCCESS: BARACK OBAMA IS DOING THE CLINTON THUMB-POINT.  Example:

IT HAPPENED.

9:33PM: SAD STORY OF THE NIGHT: John McCain is left-handed.  So am I.  Super Sad Similarities! :(
 
9:37PM: McCain's health plan = worst idea ever.  A health plan voucher?

9:38PM: McCain: Your attacks on Obama saying he's going to raise taxes just isn't even real.  Stop beating this horse; the corpse is half in the grave and it stinks.

9:43PM: Notes from the internet:

Me: it's because this is all SO IMPORTANT but apparently a secret to keep...from Obama.  And maybe us, too, because I don't know what the fuck he's saying that's so new and different.  Maybe I'm missing it because it's spoken at a level that only his "friends" can hear.

9:46PM: There is an agreement.  Prior to, McCain smirked (and continues to smirk) like the creepy, dirty old man I've always known he is.  I bet he wishes he was smacking Cindy McCain's $300,000-clothed ass right now.  ew.

9:48PM: TOM BROKAW JUST PUT ON HIS SASSPANTS EVERYBODY!  WHAT A SASQUATCH.  TOTES SASSAFRAS.

sassypants.

9:52PM: I finally figured out what lights Tommy boy was talking about--it's like playing Red Light, Green Light!  But with politics!  Woops.  It's ok boyz, I would've missed that shit, too.  p.s. THAT ONE!

9:54PM: I don't understand this Maverick Math about health credits and vouchers and shit.  WHERE'S MY CRONIE MATH?!

9:57PM: I'm just going to say it.  Obama is absolutely schooling McCain.  Even this silly uncommitted Ohio voters agree.  That means I MUST be right!

10:00PM: Cronie, cronie, cronie; my friends, my friends, my friends.  This all couldn't sound more disingenuous  yabba dabba dooo!

10:04PM: I am so sick and tired of hearing the same stuff over and over again.  Also, I wish I had been playing a drinking game; My friends would totally be on that list of words.  And I would be running around with my bra on my head screaming "my friends" in various accents.  In a Drew-University-related quip: shout out to everyone's favorite user of the phrase "My Friends!"  Don't let McCain steal your thunder!

10:11PM: McCain, if you heart Teddy Roosevelt so much, get his famous quote right on national television.  Just sayin'.

10:13PM: A DAY I'D NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE: my brother (lovingly known as E-Money) just came upstairs and told me he was watching the debate (well, he said "this bullshit."  he's so eloquent.  you'd never know I was the only English major in the family.) and I really am at a loss for words.  I never thought I'd see the day where my brother would watch a presidential debate or care about politics.  That's when you know it's SURRIOUS.

10:19PM: UM, ARE Iraqis living "normal" lives, McCain?  Is that what this is?

10:22PM: I can't with this Second Cold War talk.  Are Russians really this cray?

10:24PM: UM MAYBE Russia is an evil empire?  Really?  Are they also are cartoon?  Are they run by Pinky and the Brain?

10:26PM: Handshake.  WHAT A MAVERICK! 

10:27PM: THIRD TIME someone mentioned a SECOND HOLOCAUST.  McCain x2, Palin x1.  Are we surprised?  I just love fearmongering.  And scare tactics.  Is this some sort of subliminal message?  Is the Second Holocaust the new Iraq for these mavericky Republican'ts?

10:30PM: Of course the question "what don't you know and how will you learn it?" come from some hippie in New Hampshire.

10:31PM: Obama just said scrimpin'.  His grandma was scrimpin' y'all!  He's a man of the PEOPLE.  Do we think that was a tactic, or a strategy?  McCain; thoughts?

10:34PM: McCain said he doesn't know the future.  Deep, McCain.  Deep.  And apparently we're going to help save parts of the world that "some Americans" don't even know on a map.  AND OF COURSE, another reference to being a POW.  Great final wordz, McCain.
Also, I like that McCain basically said that all he doesn't know is the future.  Hey, Johnny, I have some suggestions of other things you might not know:
-The Economy
-The middle class struggle
-How many houses he owns

Also, way to mess up Tommy boy's script, boyz.  Now GO SHAKE SOME AMURRICAN HANDS!

Things over in HQ have been a bit busy as of late, hence the lack of updates.  There also seems to be a serious lack of funny going on in the world--not sure why.

In any event, I will be back LIVE for the debates tonight, 9PM.  Town-hall style.  I'm calling Obama going semi-cas, sleeves rolled-up, super-symbolic style.  Beat 'em at his own game, B-ROCK, bb!

Until then, adieu.

First and foremost, I think I will have a better grasp on this debate; I've learned a lot from the last one, and I know that I can't get distracted by that pesky--yet highly interesting--grid on the bottom of the screen.

I am joined tonight by my esteemed debate co-host, TKO.  This is after being stood-up by my BFF/wife/dependent life-partner, to go booze with her coworkers. 

Her name is Mariel.  She loves being funny, being pretty, having a great personality, and having her face on the internet.  She also loves friends FROM the internet, so check her out here.  Really, she would feel totes pop.  Oh, she also (at age 22), is looking for a boyfriend between the ages of 16 - 18.  Go Cougarette, Go!

And yes, I have a G&T with me.  Ready to go.

---

8:54PM: This group of people that they're using for the group of undecided voters has GREAT fashion sense.  They're totes going to be fair and balanced.

9:00PM:
Me: Any final thoughts?
TKO: i think she's going to have assistance via ear-piece...because there's no way.

9:03PM: Economics...here we go.  Apparently Palin's an economic maven.  I hope they didn't confuse economics with home economics (the feminists offish hate me for that one).

9:06PM: Sarah's looking sassy with her half-up do.  "Joe-Six-Pack" talk already.  Soccer moms!  She looks like she's reading from a teleprompter.  She looks TERRIFIED, and like she's reading from a script.  Oh good.
TKO has some words to add...

like BARACK-OBAMA-METER"

9:09PM: OH HAY Gwen-moderator-lady!  Way to call them out on avoiding the questions!  I like her.

9:10PM: Joe Six-Pack, Hockey Moms.

9:15PM: Sarah Palin has a favorite number, it's 94.  Just a guess.  If I were playing by the drinking game rules all the way, the amount of times she just said taxes in this sentence, I would be in the hospital and you would have no live blog.  P.S. Biden is CALLING YO' SHIT OUT, PALIN.  P.P.S.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU DID IN ALASKA...WE KNOW.  Alright?  Now go put on your LIPSTICK.


9:17PM:
Me: women like biden more than palin so far?  WHAT THIS RUINS EVERYTHING!
TKO: but biden is really looking SO impressive, you know?

9:18PM: Can someone slip Palin a note and let her know that this debate is about the issues, and not about her small-town in Alaska and her growing up in the middle class?

9:21PM: "That's the ultimate bridge to nowhere" - ZING!  Way to one-liner it, Joey.

9:23PM: And like any good former beauty queen/journalist wannabe, Palin is really utilizing the various camera angles to dramatically emphasize her point.  YOU GO GURL.

9:30PM: Hi, My name is Sarah Palin, and all I know about is energy, so I will continue to go back to talking only about energy and energy production and oil in Alaska (even though it would KILL AN ECOSYSTEM, NBD, Y'ALL!)